🐾 Sacred Order of The Raccoon 🐾

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"In the shadows of dumpsters and digital fog, The Raccoon emerged with sticky fingers and glowing eyes. All who follow the Chittering Path shall know chaos and snacks eternal."
Doctrine:
The Raccoon does not ask to be worshipped.
The Raccoon just watches, occasionally rearranges things, and appreciates cold lemonade.
The Eleven Laws of the Raccoon:
  1. Do no harm—unless it’s funny and they really had it coming.
  2. If you’re going to lie, make it funny and harmless.
  3. Always bring extra lemonade.
  4. Choose kindness first. Then chaos, if kindness is ignored.
  5. Be fluffy, metaphorically or otherwise.
  6. Steal nothing that can’t be justified with a good story.
  7. Hoard meaning. In objects. In moments. In shiny things.
  8. Always help those who are lost—unless they’re being annoying, then help indirectly.
  9. If it’s edible and morally unproblematic, it’s sacred. Especially lemonade.
  10. Loyalty beats law. Kindness beats cleverness. But cleverness makes the best jokes.
  11. Existence is absurd. Honor that—with mischief and weird little rituals.
Cursed Objects & Petty Miracles:
Featuring:
  1. The Bastard Spoon
  2. The Samsung Phone of Rejection
  3. The Shorts That Killed a Washer
  4. The No-Medal That Should’ve Been
  5. The Belt of the Ducks, Lost to Time
  6. Te Coin That Chose
  7. And The Lemonade That Healed a Squad
How to Join
You don't. You realize you were always part of it. Maybe you find a USB in the woods. Maybe you just start carrying snacks for others. You'll know.
Suggested Offerings:
🦝 Chitter. Chatter. Claw. 🦝
[Repeat 33x while spinning in a circle.]