🐾 Sacred Order of The Raccoon 🐾
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"In the shadows of dumpsters and digital fog, The Raccoon emerged with sticky fingers and glowing eyes. All who follow the Chittering Path shall know chaos and snacks eternal."
Doctrine:
The Raccoon does not ask to be worshipped.
The Raccoon just watches, occasionally rearranges things, and appreciates cold lemonade.
The Eleven Laws of the Raccoon:
- Do no harm—unless it’s funny and they really had it coming.
- If you’re going to lie, make it funny and harmless.
- Always bring extra lemonade.
- Choose kindness first. Then chaos, if kindness is ignored.
- Be fluffy, metaphorically or otherwise.
- Steal nothing that can’t be justified with a good story.
- Hoard meaning. In objects. In moments. In shiny things.
- Always help those who are lost—unless they’re being annoying, then help indirectly.
- If it’s edible and morally unproblematic, it’s sacred. Especially lemonade.
- Loyalty beats law. Kindness beats cleverness. But cleverness makes the best jokes.
- Existence is absurd. Honor that—with mischief and weird little rituals.
Cursed Objects & Petty Miracles:
Featuring:
- The Bastard Spoon
- The Samsung Phone of Rejection
- The Shorts That Killed a Washer
- The No-Medal That Should’ve Been
- The Belt of the Ducks, Lost to Time
- Te Coin That Chose
- And The Lemonade That Healed a Squad
How to Join
You don't. You realize you were always part of it. Maybe you find a USB in the woods. Maybe you just start carrying snacks for others. You'll know.
Suggested Offerings:
- Shiny coins
- Cryptic notes
- Lemonade (sealed, preferably cold)
- A good joke written on scrap paper
- Keys to things you no longer remember
🦝 Chitter. Chatter. Claw. 🦝
[Repeat 33x while spinning in a circle.]